Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The fear of your touch

I know it would be magical
I knew it would inflame me
from the blue sky to the invisibility
I knew the reason for the fear of your touch

I knew the oceans it would travel
where i could walk through the water
I knew the burn of fire
where the flames would seem as velvet touch

i knew the fantasies where it would pull me
where i could be the queen of the queens
i knew the lands i would travel
where i would be the slave of your soul

i knew the gardens it would take me
where the fragrance never left me
i knew the odor that would remain
which reminded me of your touch

i knew the whispers i would hear
the words unsaid made clear
i knew i would hear the talks
unknown to your and my thoughts

the reason was everywhere
and i knew it too
the fear of your touch
yet it pulled me through
the resistance was heard and sweetly denied
saying what have you lived
if not been hurt in the passion divine.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

something after long time

I thought I had it all

And always felt very strong

I couldn’t listen to what my heart said

And always wanted it to remain unsaid

I was always gloomy and

Found that way to be more Looney .

No sun was brighter and days were always darker

No season seemed sad because of the content it had

The smiles were always there with occasional tears

Where my heart wandered here n there

Then there was a day

then you saw me like hay

As dry and thick it seemed

There was a lot or so it seemed

You made your way through the forest

Igniting the trees of my memories

Fighting my plain thoughts

You made me think

Singing my favorite song you made me cling

You made me laugh thorough my pain

And hence there seemed no gain

The time changed and so did I

Realized there was nothing to comply

I thought things got better

And things that I realized later.

I felt stolen and lost somewhere

My existence was felt nowhere

Convincing I held your hand

But the stress I could never stand

I felt bliss in what I was

But you never could understand

You tired to ignite the fire of love

But never realized it was flooded once

It seemed crazy but I still flew

Broken wings that I had and that I knew

I knew I would fall and be hurt again

And there was something I found as gain

Realizations were many and I knew them well

But jumping and falling was a hobby by then

Every journey is exciting and I only know that

With faster heart beats I walk ahead

I have found my life in the journey

And nothing else seems to matter now

The hay remains and somehow grows dry

With the love as water and people as my sky.

Friday, July 9, 2010

got me thinking...... little bit of mised knowledge share..and a lot about us.......


what is life?? Who decides?? Who questions?? Where are the answers?? Why is everything good followed by bad?? And why is everything bad followed by good?? how does one find a reason to smile even when in agony?? Why do we hide our fears and tensions and sadness when we are supposed to share them??? And always think of sharing happiness??? What has brought this change? Why we are selfish and self centered today??? What makes us jealous?? What makes us happy?? Why are we sad??? Why do we smile??? Why do we run for something?? Why are we greedy??? Why today we don’t care??? Why have we forgotten to be thankful??? Why have we forgotten our god??? Where is our soul?? Has everyone lost it in finding it??? Where do we originate from??? Where do the ties lie??? Where do we go n why do we go??? What makes me "me "... and you "you"....what makes us like someone why do we hate someone??? Why are we afraid so show that we care that we love??? Why r things unsaid???

Where do we seek answers where do we go and why do we go????

There where times when nothing of this was thought about and people lived...did not speak but communicated...where fashion had no meaning...where beauty was unknown...where everything was nature and we were part of it....look back at it....have we developed or have we degraded things??? Gone are the days or feels so that we caught up with friends and actually laughed...we party today..."we socialize"...but are we happy??? We smile....but who has the time to read that smile....we cry when alone...why don’t we go to people and seek help.....think what has life done to us what we are making out of it??? What is the true meaning today??? What it actually had to be???? We have friends...how many are real...why does this question even arise???? Friends are supposed to be friends and nothing more......why do we expect?? what do we expect??? We love but forget and we love again....love is eternal and nothing can replace the true love...how do we fall in love twice today??? We have changed it so much that it is no more love....but just a feeling that comes and goes by convenience.....why is it like that....what about them who actually believe in love...what has changed.... why has it changed???? We have everything available to get in touch with the people...why are we lazy...we don’t write letters any more...words are shrinking and so is the meaning with it...,. How are you is h r u today..And love is luv,,,today????

Teachers who were respected and given the place of god...are mentioned as woh takla.... aare pakata hai buddha....they teach us everything....not only the subject but how we live and how we should live......what have we made out of them...how do we expect them to be good to us when we don’t respect them??? We fight today we scream we be ungrateful??? What are we not happy about a mobile or an iPod??? Where are the days when we shared....why is everything mine and not ours??? Pride has taken over every feeling....why do we live what do we run after?? We are born n we would die....why are we not giving a proper meaning to the time between birth and death....we earn but we are never happy...where are those days when dad earned just 300 rs a month n our pocket money was 10 rs.....and we were the most happiest people....cake was baked at home by mom n not bought from ribbons and balloons ....where are those birthday parties??? Why is living so expensive today who is responsible and why are they responsible.....why are we scared of responsibilities why we push the blames on others and not think of bringing the change??? Why are we so careless...house is an apartment with closed doors??? Why has the time changed???? Where those days are where people had no doors at all....why is privacy and my space so important????

What is lost who recreates??? Who wants to recreate???? Think what have we made out of ourselves??? Think are we educated or ignorant??? What have we found??? What have me made out of this world?? Are we expanding the world or are we shrinking it??? Are we helping people or are we just pretending to do so??? Respect people...laugh reunite......claim your friends.....get in touch.......love and do it unconditionally.....don’t just walk enjoy the beauty around you...don’t just join the race because everyone is doing it.....know the importance of your existence...love your life...love the dog love the cat...love the trees...gift flowers.....smile at everyone...learn to smile. And teach how to smile....you will be glad you did it....

I just don’t write it for everyone I write this for myself cause i have myself forgotten most of this....

Saturday, May 29, 2010

i have no title for this just read once when you drop by

this note is for the people i come across everyday.....even you might come across them...not all those poor people have chosen such life for themselves i jus ask everyone to show a little generosity towards them...i dont say give them money..but surely you can feed a poor child when you find one....if you cannot do that atleast smile at them...at the least dont abuse them or beat them....i repeat they haven't chosen such life for themselves...read through one...and be generous your help or smile may not solve there problems but sure may give them a minute to rejoice..

Why are things so complicated
Were they meant to be so
I look at you and see myself calling
But my feet doesn’t rise and walk for help
Then I think if I was selfish
Or were they meant to be so

You asked me for a rupee
I offered you a chocolate
You smiled at me and I had my answer
That smile is something that still lies in my eye
I smiled with you and my day was made
But I don’t know what’s going to happen with you
Were it meant to be so

I see you everyday
Dedicated you hit that drum
You don’t notice anyone passing by
You don’t ask or you don’t plead
But there is something about you
That makes me walk to you
And feed you..you are blind
And you smile at me everytime
I return your smile unknowingly
And think maybe
It were meant to be so

Why are things so complicated
And so difficult for you
I feel the pain that makes me cry
I rage when someone hurts or abuses you
And then think were it meant to be so
Your eyes ask for some generosity
And stay disappointed all the time
There are a million questions there
There is something about your smile
Your eyes speak for you
But no one notices it
Do you think that things were meant to be so?
How would you even change things your self
Is all I think, when I look at you
I silently pray for you
And I smile at you
You always return my smile…
And I think
Why were things meant to be so????

Saturday, May 15, 2010

some time at mid night.....

I sat there somewhere in the room at around midnight i dint know by then that it was mid night..i wasn't able to figure out things before I came back to my senses...stuck between a new day and the previous night at exact 12 i was not into the new day nor did i belong to the previous day at that perfect moment like that moment was asking me where do you think i should be placed in the day before or the new day...I had no answer, I was so filled with thoughts and various emotions and yet was feeling all empty and was still trying to find the answer to the question of that moment and before i realized the moment was gone. The decision was mine, I don't know but it really mattered at that moment what the answer to that question should be..then there was the real reason discovered from somewhere with in i wasn't trying to place the moment but i was trying to place myself some where in the past or in the future because at that moment I practically had no present...i thought of placing myself in the future...and everything seemed a little easy but then there was the fear that raised from the bottom of some part of my body very deep...my heart beats were suddenly loud....i couldn't see things working for myself..there was a fear and the age old question what if things din work for me.....i stopped thinking and tried to get out of those emotions then when my heart beats were normal..i tried to place myself in past...but then i was filled with emotions..the heart break the success the failures the lost dreams...and all seemed filled yet half or empty....then i realized that i was like that moment not able to decide where i belongs nor to the previous day neither to the coming new day....i was so confused and frustrated for not finding answers that i couldn't sleep...so i sat up and stared out of my window...i couldn't see anything cause I did not realize by then that my eyes were filled with tears and i had no idea how long i had been crying..In the dark i Looked at the void of my room and then outside the window to the filled world that was now silent and then i had a feeling that i was been crushed between them both i was getting outta breath n sweating badly and wanted to feel some air around me but i couldn't feel anything that moment punched a lot of holes into my heart and i was feeling the pain now and was crying even more.....i was devoid of energy to even wipe those tears and i had no idea the reason for those tears what were they about were about fear or end or emptiness no idea...i just hugged myself and allowed the tears to flow..i still cannot figure out what was on my mind that time...but this is what happend i lay yet belonged nowhere who was I that time...i dont know what was i doing i have no idea.......my crazy empty night..

n after that nighti was singing only one song by bryan adams...save me from another lonely nights....

Monday, May 3, 2010


I have always asked myself one question and that is pretty easy to guess for someone who knows me well “what is love??”
Is it the butterflies you have when that special person compliments you saying your eyes and smile are all he wants to have for life or is it the smile in your eyes when you see him everyday and still feel how awesome life is because of him or is it the pain you feel on his departure knowing that you are going to meet him the very next day or is it thinking about “is he thinking about me right now and if yes what he might be thinking” or is it the feeling you have when you have your first kiss and feel the same originality every time you kiss or is it that endless staring at each other without speaking a word and realizing “oohh my god its late I have to get home” or is it when he knows you cannot stay but while leaving he would always say “can’t you stay for a little longer and you end up saying I promise to stay tomorrow” or is it you sleep with him on your mind and the next morning you wake up with the feeling that “had he been trying my call is it too late??” or is it you get dressed in that dress he says you look beautiful in.. Or is it he goes a distance to buy you ice cream and your eyes search for him till you notice him with your favorite ice cream in his hand and you smile saying he knows so much about me. Or is it just you thinking about him and he calls saying “I was missing you”…..or is it when he says something stupid and you can’t stop laughing or is it every happy and sad moment you have you hope you could hold his hand and everything would be alright or is it when you have a huge fight and you know things are not going to effect anything because you love each other or is it that dancing when there is no music or is it that long drive with all love songs playing on the CD and you look at each other at the perfect time when ever that line is played and have that naughty smile or is it the feeling that one has that its raining outside and the smell of hot mud has just started spreading and you wish you hugged that person right there or is it that you can notice his perfume in a crowded place and spot him right or is it the feeling of relief when you are so much in pain and he understands it with out you saying a word or is it that when you are shouting at him for no reason he gets the insecurity you are having and doesn’t speak anything and listen to everything you have to say and in the end says “I love you” or is it that he knows how egoistic you are and always makes up in spite of the fact it is your mistake..or when he says you look beautiful even when you look horrible or is it that how much ever you try to hide that you aren’t crying and he holds you right there and gives you that bear hug you wanted..
Yes love for me is all these small and pretty things the most important small things..Which everyone thinks are lame and immature so I would ask these people what love is?? Do they even know it?? Or deep inside even they feels the same??
I don’t know if I’m being stupid because everyday I wake up with the feeling that today will be the day I will meet him and everyday I go to bed with the disappointment of not finding him but at the same time hoping tomorrow will be the day.. Yes it is really painful to have that hope over and over again but some how that is the only thing that matters to me to find that special person.. I sometimes even think what will be my morning when I have found that person.. what hope will I wake up with?? But that isn’t that scary to think about because everyday I will be falling in love with that person over and over again.. I will figure that out some how… all I want to say is that I’m not stupid I know and realize that these are very difficult things to have and I know that everything long term and everlasting is difficult to find and these are the small difficulties I’m going through everyday.. I don’t know if that day would ever come when I would meet that guy who would give me all these things and say I know these things matter a lot to you and they are all yours “I love you” yes I know I’m expecting a lot from him but if I wouldn’t expect this from him then whom do I expect it from?? If the person I love so much and who says he loves me so much cannot understand the basic things what I want then what is the whole point of our togetherness..

So this is my story of love till the day I would find my love who would change this story completely by holding my hand on that perfect morning showing me the sunrise and tell me that he wants to spend his life with me… and when I wouldn’t think but only listen to what my heart will say…because my heart beat will say every word that I want to say at that perfect moment I wait

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


One day that I was waiting for was my farewell. The day that officially said that my journey of three years,  my graduation was over. I was going to end yet another part of my educational life. The day that told me that now I was a graduate. I was a grown up now, that I was going to leave something behind and that I was to join a new race. Have a new life. Get a job, be successful because by this day I had the qualifications to do so.
But when it was time to face the day I had no energy to go to the college or sit in the auditorium and face all those people and that college that I was not going to be a part of after that day. It was so difficult to smile at everyone or speak to everyone cause everything seemed so wrong, yes I know that it had to end on this particular day and I had been preparing myself for this day from the very start of final year but some how the emotion was different the last time I would be facing most of the people who have seemed like a family for these three years, with whom I shared those feelings and that bond that couldn’t be shared with any other person if it wasn’t them. Everyone has to face such day sometime or another but it was a little difficult for me cause after three years in Mumbai I only had these few friends and not having them around like they have been for these years that very thought was really disturbing.
Yet when I got to know that we were having our farewell on 5th of april  I went shopping to buy a new dress for a very beautiful day that was going to leave me sad at the end of it. I bought new clothes new accessories and got ready for the day. Went to my friends house to get ready and then left in a car for the college every one out there had the same face which was smiling yet was sad a small emotion and we would all cry.. yes it was really terrible to see those faces whom we would not see in the coming years. Then we went into the auditorium where the sweet juniors had planned things for us by fighting with our professors and “HOD” and poor people arranged for a farewell in just two days time. They really faced many difficulties for our sake and they are the sweetest juniors anyone would ask for. And the farewell started with dances and masti few confessions through fishpond, few questions that left many embarrassed but it was fun. The most amazing were the “NA-REAL” awards and after being nominated for  three awards I managed winning the most “chappad-chappad ” award for myself..so proud I was.. and then there was the ultimate thing the slide show of memories that is our  photographs. It went on for three long songs..one was splitsvilla ka title track by agnee then yaadien and then purani jeans that was amazing…..i and one of my friend started crying by looking at those photographs.. and iam sure most of them were crying there. And then we were asked to give our views about the time spent by us in the college..and iam very sure if I did not have my poem in hand I couldn’t have been able to say a word cause we were all chocked with emotions. I was already crying when I read the poem then ketki cried when she started crying and couldn’t finish.. then I was really taken by surprise by three of my classmates who mentioned me in there speech for some cute reasons that made me more emotional cause I did not expect those things from them..at the end of everything I felt so proud cause those words gave me strength of believing that I wouldn’t be forgotten after this night and that was such a relief..we ended up taking many pictures to capture those memories of the last night together..hugged and cried and again hugged and cried made promises to keep in touch but god knows how we would keep up to them..then filled with those memories and emotions we headed back to our own nests..

The thing to say is I will surely miss these three years. They have thought me a lot of things in good and bad ways but that doesn’t matter now..i would carry a lot of things from these three years yes iam even glad that it all ended at once but still there is a part that says it should have been a little longer..

To all my friends whom might come across this blog.. iam sorry if I have hurt you in anyway or have been rude to you..iam really sorry and I really love you all and to let you know that iam surely going to miss every single person I have known in college in some way or another..love you for giving me some beautiful memories and being a part of my life..